I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
