I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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