i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
