Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
