Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Randomize
