I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
