My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
BRING THE BAGELS
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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