Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
