What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
no, he came in my armpit
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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