On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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