It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
soo... how was my night?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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