you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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