im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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