dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
