I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
