I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
