shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Randomize
