Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
