I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize
