Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
