If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
