bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
