haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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