Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
