I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
