I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Randomize
