i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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