Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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