put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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