I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
