Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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