dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
