I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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