I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Dear god my vagina.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
