i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
the day after is always just damage control
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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