I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
