Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
