Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Ketchup is God's man juice
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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