it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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