She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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