Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
