i think my mom watched the whole time
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Randomize
