Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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