Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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