i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
