Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
