Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
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