whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Did you pee in the oven last night??
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
