remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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