My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
