'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Come on in and take your pants off
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