We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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