she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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