at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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