Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize