My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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