She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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