Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
