The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
