please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
