Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
