Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
