the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
