i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
